A little teenage girl left in me...

It happens regularly. I take a step back and look at my life - where I am, where I've come from, the phase I'm currently living in - and I think to myself "I can't believe I'm here... I can't believe I'm already 'grown up'... I have a real job, a house, a car... a pool..." - and of course the big one - "I'm a mom". Seriously? I know time goes by quickly, but sometimes it's as though I turned around a - bam - here I am in the full swing of adulthood, motherhood, wifehood and responsibility-hood!

You would think that eventually it would sink in, that I would accept my status as an adult, as a woman who is now both a wife and a mother - and just move on. But I think there's a part of me (and maybe I'm going out on a limb here... but a part of every woman) that's still a scared teenage girl - uncertain about who they are or who they'll become; in love with the idea of falling in love, scared to make the first move (yes - even with the guy she's been with for over a decade...); needing to be reassured of her worth while trying to seem strong (as if we're supposed to made of steel once we turn a certain age or 'settle' into adulthood).

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm the same person I was as a teen. I'm not saying I deal with same issues or have the same hangups. I'm a gazillion times more sure of who I am, I'm so much more confident than I was. (I don't think my friends at the time realized how insecure I was. Heck - I don't think I realized it!) However, it doesn't mean I have myself all figured out. Not at all.

I see little pieces of "teenage Andrea" from time to time. Selfish, proud, self-conscience, sappy, immature... hormonal!

The selfish part of me that wonders what it would be like to be free again. Free of obligations and responsibilities... and free to sleep in if I want to!

The proud part of me that is terrified that someone will catch on that I don't actually have it all together all the time

The self-conscious part of me that worries that someone won't like me. I know I know... hard to believe, right? What's not to like? Right...if only that were true.

The sappy (and some might say immature) part of me that still loves a story about teenage love (maybe because that's when I met and fell in love my husband?) and is really looking forward to seeing New Moon (can't explain that one... other than the fact that I simply enjoyed the books)!

And of course...

The hormonal part of me that can be perfectly happy and content one minute and then depressed or upset over the silliest thing the next. I blame the fact that I'm still in the first year post-partum/nursing hormonal ups and downs for that one!

The reality however, is that I am not a teenage anymore. Thank goodness for that! I don't fight with my parents anymore. Couple arguments are also much fewer and farther in between. I may have lost a certain freedom to responsibilities and obligations that come with having a family, a job, a house... but I've gained other freedoms. I can't get grounded or be told I can't do something anymore. I make my decisions and live with them - whether they're good or bad. And I look at the young girls and what they're wearing and wonder which new styles I can pull off (totally digging my new "skinny" jeans) and which ones I should not even think about trying (just can't bring myself to do "tights")!

Embracing who I am now doesn't mean letting go of who I once was... or growing up completely! Although I've grown a lot and lived a lot in the decade since high school - that girl is still inside me. She makes an appearance from time to time. She keeps me young - for better or for worse?!?



periwinkle said...

Very well said! BTW ... be forewarned - those hormonal inconsistencies go on forever and ever and ever...

Cheryl Arkison said...

Good for you! I'm revelling in the selfish being right now. Not good, I know, but I need to wallow for a bit and then I'll snap out of it.

A. said...

Mom - and just when I was hoping I would mellow out a little bit?!

Cheryl - oh trust me... I have my days too! Just one day... all alone... doing whatever I want to... :-P

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