In Mulan, I've found a new favorite. She sings a song called "reflection" and it's the inspiration for this post.
Who is that girl I see - staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide - who I am - though I've tried...
When will my reflection show - who I am inside?
As I watched this on our laptop, Brandon overheard the song and turned and smiled at me and said something like "I bet you're thinking 'me too'..." - which of course I was. Sigh. I'm such a sap and he knows me too well.
So where am I going with all this? Point #1 I love music. Point #2 I'm a sap for the Disney musicals. Point #3 I totally wish I was trained in Broadway dance and singing. Point #4 Brandon is well aware of how sappy (pathetic?) I can be.... and Point #5 Who the heck am I? Who is that girl in the mirror? and why don't I always recognize her?... and why do I feel like I still haven't figured out what I want to be be when I "grow up"?
I've always been old for my age. While my friends were dating casually, I was looking at wedding dresses, applying for mortgages and shopping for major appliances. I was the first in my group of friends to become a mom. I've got a great (& stable) job where I'm often told I'm so "mature" for my age. My life is good. It's full of love, laughter and financial stability (the definition of which is different for everyone, but though I'm by no means rich, I feel like I am).
Still... I have to admit that I often find myself wondering if I'm in the right place in life, the right job, the right house, the right city. There are certain things that are non-negotiables like my husband and 2 girls - and I'm not saying that because I have to. I've loved Brandon for more than a decade now and I look forward to the next (at least) five or so. I adore my girls. Layla and Meaghan are beautiful, sweet little treasures that bring a lot into my life (including wanting to pull my hair out every once in a while!). And at 2 years and 3 months old, they still adore me too! Other than those "non-negotiables"... I would like to think that I am open to trying new things and changing things up. I would like to think that there's more to this life than being comfortable, having stability and as one of my good friends would say - blending in .
I know I'm not the first girl... I mean... woman (though when I go down this road I feel more like a girl than a woman) to say that I want to make my mark, I want to contribute somehow to my community and my world in a significant way. So who do I want to be when I grow up? How am I going to make my mark? This is feeling like my post on finding a hobby... once again... I'm trying to find myself. Why... at 27... with everything that I have in my life... am I trying to "find myself"?
Back to Mulan. Her story seems to unravel in a simple way, where she just "falls" into her purpose for life (saves her people, is honored by the emperor and meets the man of her dreams all in what seems like less than 1 week). But if I dig a little deeper, Mulan takes an unbelievable risk and overcomes incredible challenges before truly figuring out who she is.
It's like this... I say I'd love to dance and sing in Broadway, but I've never even taken a dance or singing class. How many times have I said that I want to be in amazing shape or lose weight and then eaten like a pig and sat on the couch (not anymore. I swear. I've been a local worker outer for more than 5 weeks now!). And there are lots of other examples of me "loving" something, but not doing anything or taking any risks to pursue it.
I have big dreams... someday I want to be the big boss. I'd like to do some sort of missions work. I'd love to have that cottage by a lake (or Ocean!). I also dream with Brandon about opening a B&B on our hobby farm one day. Maybe one or all of these dreams will come true - if I take the necessary risks... if I jump over the hurdles I have to... and if I dare to step out of my comfort zone.
After all - anything worth having (or being) is worth fighting for, right? Right.